So This is What Scared Feels Like

For the last couple of years, I’ve noticed that I have been losing the ability to hear from my left ear.  That, along with an annoying, constant ringing, prompted me to visit my family doctor, and eventually, an ear doctor.  I didn’t really think much of it when they ordered that I have an MRI done.  I really didn’t expect anything to come from it.  I work in a relatively loud environment, and I just assumed that this was a normal part of growing older.  Even when my family doctor called to inform me that I had an Acoustic Neuroma (brain tumor), I didn’t think much of it.  I could tell she was concerned, but she was also very comforting.  Especially as she ended the phone call saying “I’ll be thinking and praying for you”.

I think the point that it really started to sink in was after a visit with an Otologist (Ear Doctor).  As we viewed the MRI scans, I felt this nervousness come over me. The doctor was compassionate, but clear to let me know that the size of the tumor is large enough that my only viable option would be surgery, and that I should expect to lose all hearing in my left ear.  Along with SSD (single sided deafness), There can be a possibility of facial paralysis, balance issues, and severe headaches, among other things.

In the past few days, my wife and I have been exploring options for treatment.  We visited with a radiation oncologist to confirm that the tumor is, in fact, too large (his words were “man, that thing is big”)  for CyberKnife radiation. We have also met with a couple of people locally that have recently undergone this surgery.  We feel blessed to have met these ladies, and listened to some great advice and suggestions on what may help us through this journey.  It was also great to see how well they are recovering from their own surgeries.

From here, we plan to visit with a few surgeons and decide which route we feel will be the best fit for us.  I’m not sharing this for sympathy, but we would greatly appreciate your prayers for us during this time.  We have complete faith that God will have his hand guiding us through this, but it will be the most difficult thing this body (and mind) has been through.

Where's My Bubble?

        As I looked through my news feed this morning, I came across several posts saying the same thing.  “U.S. Supeme Court Legalizes Same Sex Marriage”.  As I read this, my heart sank.  To help you understand, lets go back.

        I was raised in a conservative Christian home.  My parents were not radical, but they were firm on their convictions.  We attended, regularly, a Southern Baptist Church.  Every Wednesday evening, Sunday morning and Sunday evening, we knew that is where we would be, learning about and worshipping God.  This was a way of life, and in my opinion, a great one.  Now, the denomination of Southern Baptist at that time came with some pretty strong opinions, I saw them at rules.  To refrain from alcohol consumption, sex before marriage, even living together before marriage were just a few of the many “rules” that were ingrained in us as children and young adults.  Looking back, it appears that we were raised in the “Christian Bubble” that I’m sure many of you have heard about.  But it was great!  I can’t imagine my childhood and adolescence being any different.  Those were the years that I learned the importance of morals and what image meant in regards to my impact on people who didn’t have the same experience with Church and God that I had.

        In my high school years, I remained active in my youth group at Church.  I continued to attend weekly, as well as participate in missions trips and camps.  But I don’t remember that I was ever really “on fire” for God or Jesus Christ.  After graduating high school, I found myself lost.  I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life, and had no “Church Family” at that time to help guide me.  I found myself dating a woman who did not share the same religious beliefs that I did.  She noticed the morals that still were evident in me, but aside from that, our beliefs in God were very different. At that time,  I began to question organized religion.  I never doubted the existence of God, or the story of Jesus Christ, but I began to wonder why there were all these different beliefs about the Bible and what is right, and what is wrong.  At the same time, I was living in a world that was outside my “Bubble” that I had grown up in.  I began to see that not everyone believed, or even cared about all the “rules” that I had been taught all of my life.  I was drawn into a world that lived by one rule... “If it feels good, do it.”  I had begun living with a woman, along with everything that comes along with that.  The words that came out of my mouth were, many times, full of hate.  My heart was hard. 

One day, we were driving , and we came across a Christian based radio station.  My girlfriend at the time (now my wife) suggested that we keep listening to that station simply because she thought it would be good for her son.  She explained that she saw how I had been raised, and that she wanted that for her son, too.  She was adamant that she had no desire to “convert”, but she wanted her son to grow up to be more like me.  God was working on her heart, and a few years later (it seemed like an eternity), she accepted that Jesus Christ was the only way to build a relationship with God.  Through this, I learned that while the “rules” that I was taught mattered, they didn’t matter as much as impacting people with the love of Jesus Christ.  

       Now, I’m not telling you this to convince you of how good of a person I am.  I struggle with things that I shouldn’t be doing on a daily basis.  I hope that people can see, through me, the power of influence.  I was influenced at a young age by my parents, along with some other great people.  This has made me who I am.  My heart breaks because we, as a generation, are not influencing our world to be as great as those who taught us.  Whether it’s same-sex relationships, abortion, alcohol use, lust, sex, drugs, rock and roll (of course), or any of the other controversial topics that we worry about today, we will not reach hearts without expressing love.  We cannot be a positive influence without love. 

          My first instinct when reading comments about the Supreme Court’s decision this morning was a combative one.  I wanted to respond with remarks about where this country is going and how far we are from God.  But, would that bring anyone closer to God?  Would those comments change anyone’s mind?  At this point I think it would just be more noise.  God is love. He Has shown us that time and time again.  I think it’s time that we pass that on.