Insecure

 Insecure

Hey guys!! It’s been a long time since I’ve taken the time to sit down and write.  A lot has changed in my life in that time.  I’m not going to try to fill you in on everything, but I have had some things on my mind lately. 

It seems that I’ve been in a bit of a funk lately, and I’m really having a hard time pin-pointing exactly what the problem is.  When I think about it, I hear the voice of a mentor I had years ago saying “How’s your quiet time?”.  And Quite frankly, it sucks.  I don’t discipline myself to read The Bible regularly.  When I pray, I feel like it’s more to get things off my mind, and then when (or if) I take time to try to listen, my thoughts seem to get in the way.  Maybe I don’t know how to just be quiet  and listen for God’s voice.  

This morning, I woke up early (actually, at my normal time, but it’s my day off...  so it’s early).  I couldn’t go back to sleep, and my mind started wandering again.  I’ve been struggling lately with knowing where I belong.  We’ve recently left a church that we were very involved in for several years.  For a long time, I questioned whether that was the right thing to do, or not.  But I’ve come to the conclusion that it was, indeed time for us to move on.  I deeply miss the people and the relationships that were built during the years we spent there.  However, I know that there’s somewhere else we’re supposed to serve and grow.  This morning, I was thinking about these things, and asking God for some sort of direction.   I decided I should go for a walk.  My family was all still sleeping, but I needed to move. 

I started my walk with a song in my head.  Now, there’s no relevance to this song, other than the fact that this was occupying my thoughts, so how was I supposed to hear God speaking to me?  I continued on, switching back and forth between singing and speaking to God through my thoughts.  At some point during this time, a thought came to me.  “Don’t cover up your insecurities”.   Now this may sound odd...  but stick with me for a minute.  Most of you know of the surgery that I underwent a couple of years ago that left quite a scar on my scalp.  During my periods of random thoughts this morning, shaving my head for the summer had crossed my mind.  That scar is an insecurity that I have about myself.  But deeper than that, I have far more insecurities that I don’t share openly.  The more I thought about this, the more I began to wonder how much my insecurities are fueling this fire of depression, as it may be.  So here it is.  My attempt to uncover some of these insecurities  and share who I am.

1)    I’ve always sought the approval of other people to validate my skills or abilities.  Recently, I’ve felt a lot of rejection.  This, most likely, is my insecure mind telling me stories, but it’s very good at convincing me.

2)     I love to sing and make music, but I fear that I’m not good enough to be any more than a basement musician.  I definitely let this hold me back from pursuing more. 

3)    Social Awkwardness.  If I don’t know someone well, I have a very difficult time starting or even holding a conversation with them.  I feel that some people are born with this ability, and others of us have to work at it.  I feel a sort of anxiousness when I say something that doesn’t get received as well as I think it should have, or I simply don’t speak much when I’m in a group of people I’m unfamiliar with.

4)    Question motives. Often times, if a decision is made that includes (or excludes) me, I question whether that decision was made because of me. 

5)    Physical appearance. Now this one, I really didn’t ever think would apply to me.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t consider myself a vain person, only average.  But since my surgery, I do get insecure about this.  Any time a little child sees me and smiles, I want to smile back. When I sing, I don’t look normal.  When I get tired, the symmetry in my face fades.  These are all things I notice, and try not to be bothered by, but my insecure mind takes over.

I’m not sharing these things for any other reason than that a thought came into my head that said “Don’t cover up your insecurities”.  I don’t want any of you to feel sorry for me. I’m not looking for sympathy.   But I do feel that I’m not the only person that struggles with these types of thoughts.  If you have, and have found ways to combat them, I’d love to hear from you.   Thanks for reading.

Jake

So This is What Scared Feels Like

For the last couple of years, I’ve noticed that I have been losing the ability to hear from my left ear.  That, along with an annoying, constant ringing, prompted me to visit my family doctor, and eventually, an ear doctor.  I didn’t really think much of it when they ordered that I have an MRI done.  I really didn’t expect anything to come from it.  I work in a relatively loud environment, and I just assumed that this was a normal part of growing older.  Even when my family doctor called to inform me that I had an Acoustic Neuroma (brain tumor), I didn’t think much of it.  I could tell she was concerned, but she was also very comforting.  Especially as she ended the phone call saying “I’ll be thinking and praying for you”.

I think the point that it really started to sink in was after a visit with an Otologist (Ear Doctor).  As we viewed the MRI scans, I felt this nervousness come over me. The doctor was compassionate, but clear to let me know that the size of the tumor is large enough that my only viable option would be surgery, and that I should expect to lose all hearing in my left ear.  Along with SSD (single sided deafness), There can be a possibility of facial paralysis, balance issues, and severe headaches, among other things.

In the past few days, my wife and I have been exploring options for treatment.  We visited with a radiation oncologist to confirm that the tumor is, in fact, too large (his words were “man, that thing is big”)  for CyberKnife radiation. We have also met with a couple of people locally that have recently undergone this surgery.  We feel blessed to have met these ladies, and listened to some great advice and suggestions on what may help us through this journey.  It was also great to see how well they are recovering from their own surgeries.

From here, we plan to visit with a few surgeons and decide which route we feel will be the best fit for us.  I’m not sharing this for sympathy, but we would greatly appreciate your prayers for us during this time.  We have complete faith that God will have his hand guiding us through this, but it will be the most difficult thing this body (and mind) has been through.

Where's My Bubble?

        As I looked through my news feed this morning, I came across several posts saying the same thing.  “U.S. Supeme Court Legalizes Same Sex Marriage”.  As I read this, my heart sank.  To help you understand, lets go back.

        I was raised in a conservative Christian home.  My parents were not radical, but they were firm on their convictions.  We attended, regularly, a Southern Baptist Church.  Every Wednesday evening, Sunday morning and Sunday evening, we knew that is where we would be, learning about and worshipping God.  This was a way of life, and in my opinion, a great one.  Now, the denomination of Southern Baptist at that time came with some pretty strong opinions, I saw them at rules.  To refrain from alcohol consumption, sex before marriage, even living together before marriage were just a few of the many “rules” that were ingrained in us as children and young adults.  Looking back, it appears that we were raised in the “Christian Bubble” that I’m sure many of you have heard about.  But it was great!  I can’t imagine my childhood and adolescence being any different.  Those were the years that I learned the importance of morals and what image meant in regards to my impact on people who didn’t have the same experience with Church and God that I had.

        In my high school years, I remained active in my youth group at Church.  I continued to attend weekly, as well as participate in missions trips and camps.  But I don’t remember that I was ever really “on fire” for God or Jesus Christ.  After graduating high school, I found myself lost.  I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life, and had no “Church Family” at that time to help guide me.  I found myself dating a woman who did not share the same religious beliefs that I did.  She noticed the morals that still were evident in me, but aside from that, our beliefs in God were very different. At that time,  I began to question organized religion.  I never doubted the existence of God, or the story of Jesus Christ, but I began to wonder why there were all these different beliefs about the Bible and what is right, and what is wrong.  At the same time, I was living in a world that was outside my “Bubble” that I had grown up in.  I began to see that not everyone believed, or even cared about all the “rules” that I had been taught all of my life.  I was drawn into a world that lived by one rule... “If it feels good, do it.”  I had begun living with a woman, along with everything that comes along with that.  The words that came out of my mouth were, many times, full of hate.  My heart was hard. 

One day, we were driving , and we came across a Christian based radio station.  My girlfriend at the time (now my wife) suggested that we keep listening to that station simply because she thought it would be good for her son.  She explained that she saw how I had been raised, and that she wanted that for her son, too.  She was adamant that she had no desire to “convert”, but she wanted her son to grow up to be more like me.  God was working on her heart, and a few years later (it seemed like an eternity), she accepted that Jesus Christ was the only way to build a relationship with God.  Through this, I learned that while the “rules” that I was taught mattered, they didn’t matter as much as impacting people with the love of Jesus Christ.  

       Now, I’m not telling you this to convince you of how good of a person I am.  I struggle with things that I shouldn’t be doing on a daily basis.  I hope that people can see, through me, the power of influence.  I was influenced at a young age by my parents, along with some other great people.  This has made me who I am.  My heart breaks because we, as a generation, are not influencing our world to be as great as those who taught us.  Whether it’s same-sex relationships, abortion, alcohol use, lust, sex, drugs, rock and roll (of course), or any of the other controversial topics that we worry about today, we will not reach hearts without expressing love.  We cannot be a positive influence without love. 

          My first instinct when reading comments about the Supreme Court’s decision this morning was a combative one.  I wanted to respond with remarks about where this country is going and how far we are from God.  But, would that bring anyone closer to God?  Would those comments change anyone’s mind?  At this point I think it would just be more noise.  God is love. He Has shown us that time and time again.  I think it’s time that we pass that on. 

Dave Grohl -- He's Ordinary

After church this afternoon, over lunch, a friend and I were talking about music and influences and the name Dave Grohl came up.  Now, if you know me, you know that I’m a “Foo Fighters” fan.  Maybe not a “huge” fan, as the only albums I’ve bought are their first album and their “Greatest Hits” album, but a fan none the less.  I remember buying the “Foo Fighters” album in ’96 and subsequently reading the article about Dave’s time in the studio recording every aspect of the album himself.  At the time, I thought “that’s pretty cool”, and listened to the CD over and over again, but eventually it got shuffled in with all my other CDs and they were just another part of my collection.  I kept track of the songs that made it onto mainstream radio, but never really paid much attention to where the band otherwise.  

                Now I’ll fast forward to a couple of years ago.  I began playing bass and guitar with a small worship band for a youth group at our church.  The guys that I was playing with liked to throw some mainstream music in the mix to get the students pumped up.  One day, while we were just jamming to warm up a little, the song “Everlong” came across our fingers.  My admiration for the Foo Fighters immediately took over.  From that time on, it seemed like we had to cover a Foo song just about every set. 

                Dave Grohl’s name came up during our conversation about some of the greatest influences in modern rock music.  I admire the fact that Dave has the ability to play any instrument with any artist at any time.  I’d really be interested in seeing the list of great musicians that he’s participated in jam sessions or recordings with.  Just the fact that he’s been an influence on one of the greatest influences in rock and roll ever (McCartney) is something to look up to.  It’s hard not to idolize the man.  And that’s where I have trouble. 

                If you could meet anyone in the world, who would you want to meet?  Have you ever been asked this question?  I’m pretty sure Dave Grohl would be at the top of my list.  His musical talent , his experiences, his knowledge of the industry.  All things that I just think would be cool to sit down and soak up.  Now, I’m not some teenage boy that is going to get back stage passes in hopes to get a picture taken with the guy.  I think I’m too old to even want to attend a concert.  But the thought of just hanging out at a pub, or at a backyard bbq, jamming to some acoustic guitar sounds like it would be fun.  But then I realize.  He’s just a man.  While he might be pretty talented... he’s still just a man...  He’s Ordinary.  People today put way to much stock into how successful a person is.  If I would work as hard at music as this man did... I could be that good, too.  The thing that separates me from Dave Grohl, as far as success goes, is that he knew what he wanted from a young age, and went for it.  Today, we spent way too much time idolizing, and envying the people that are in the lime light, instead of making our own futures.  If there’s something that you love to do... DO IT!!   The great musicians of today weren’t born with a gold record on their crib.  They had to earn it.  They got up every morning like the rest of us do. (OK, probably every afternoon). 

                It’s healthy to have artists that influence the way you like to make and play music.  I think the problem comes when you begin to idolize those influences and stop thinking for yourself.  Now, I’m not a great musician by any means...  but I love doing what I do.  The reason I play music is to express my mood.  Sometimes that mood is full of energy, sometimes it’s melancholy, sometimes it to worship my God.  But it’s something that fills me up.  It’s a gift...  but you have to work at it.    Be ordinary.

Side note...  for the longest time, I listened to the song “My Hero” thinking the lyrics read  “There goes my hero... Sargent Mary”  Still to this day, I have no idea who that is. 

Here We Go Again

OK, so I know that I posted on this topic after the last “tragedy”, but I have to get some thoughts out here.  I am pretty tired of the way people want to “fix” the gun violence problem in our country.  First of all, citizens of this country decided a long time ago that they didn’t need God to help them teach their children or even live their lives.  In the absence of God, exists  sin.  Sin is not something that WE can fix as a whole, but it is our duty to live our lives as an example and to raise our children to live by God’s design.  Did God cause a man to go into a school and kill several innocent children?  No, I don’t believe so.  But I absolutely believe that he allowed it to happen.   You see... the way life works is that you do something stupid, and bad things happen as a consequence of your stupidity.  Unfortunately, those bad things may affect innocent people.  As a nation, we have turned our backs on our creator.  This is a choice that WILL have consequences.   We have been taught by society that it’s all about “me”.  If you want it, get it.  If it feels good, do it.  If you feel wronged, get revenge.  Honestly, what do we expect to happen?  In a selfish and greedy society,  ungodly people will cause chaos.  We can expect this more and more the farther we get from God.  

Now on to my gun control rant.  Come on people, think things through.  Do you really think that adamant gun advocates  are going to be controlled?  I may agree that certain guns are not necessary for a civilian.  I can’t deny that guns are a big part of violent crimes in this country.  But do you realize now many guns get sold every time the news media brings up “gun control”?  How many of those impulsive gun buyers do you think are properly trained to own and operate those guns?  Our society is already one as such that we are raised to “trust nobody”.  Now the media is bent on reporting every violent crime that’s committed, etching fear into every man, woman, and child watching.  STOP talking about taking away guns and figure out a reasonable way to protect our citizens.  TRAIN citizens how to properly use what THEY ARE going to buy and own.  If only one of the adults in that school had been carrying a weapon that day, and knew how to use it, lives would have been saved.  I absolutely despise how our society has become, but as long as it continues without regard for God, other lives, or morals in general...  it will never get any better. 

Gun Control?

First of all, I want to state that I am not, and never have been a fan of politics.  That being said, I think that our differing political parties both have good points when it comes to gun control in this country.  On one hand we want to uphold our 2^nd amendment right to “bear arms”.  I think most people would agree that this right was given to us during a time in history when it was very important for men to be able to provide security and well-being for themselves and their families.  While some of this transfers to our current lifestyles, guns simply don’t play the same role in today’s world that they once did.  This brings us to the other side of the argument.  Better control of where guns and ammunition are sold will limit who can own them, and protect innocent people from tragic events that cost lives.  While I understand both sides of the argument, I tend to lean towards the right for legal, law abiding, responsible citizens to purchase and own these guns.  We are at a point in time where we will never be free of crime, hate, or murder.  I have no issue with the attempt to make our cities and towns safer, but I don’t think that new laws that restrict the “good people” will have much, if any effect on the people determined to cause harm and chaos.  Not everyone will agree with me, but that’s fine, we’ll move on to the real problem.

                While gun control is always on the long list of political agenda, it doesn’t really come to the fore-front until an awful event happens such as the recent “movie massacre” in Colorado.   Why is it that the answer to this problem is always “we need better gun control”?  Do we really think that adding more paperwork to the process is going to solve anything?  What about the price?  If these disturbed people want to cause the tragedy, they will find a way to do it.  Guns aren’t the only things that kill.  Why aren’t we focusing on the root of the problem?  What gets into the heads of these people that would make them want to kill another human being?  Hmm… Could it be the countless movies and TV shows that we are watching?  We are all guilty of enjoying the action and suspense involved in getting the bad guy.  We sit on the edge of our seats as we see people getting killed one after another so that the hero comes out on top.  Or maybe it’s the hundreds of video games out now that focus on killing our enemies.   We’ve literally made a game out of death and destruction.  With all of this mind pollution available to our younger generation, how many of them are becoming incapable of realizing the difference between reality and virtuality?  How many of these people are losing the respect for human life?  How many of them have never been taught that respect at all? 

                So where does this leave us?  What can be done?  Well, maybe we should tighten the rope on the entertainment industry.  Or maybe we should just be more aware of what we’re watching, or more importantly, what our children are watching.   There was a time when some of these movies and games were unimaginable, a time when they were clean and wholesome, but still entertaining.  What has happened?  I think it’s taking more and more for us to be entertained.  We need more action, more edginess.  After all, this is America, we should get what we want, right?  “Don’t take away my right to be entertained!”  We can’t have it both ways, people.  If we’re feeding our minds with the violence, there’s bound to be violence coming out somewhere.  Controlling the guns is NOT the only answer.