Insecure

 Insecure

Hey guys!! It’s been a long time since I’ve taken the time to sit down and write.  A lot has changed in my life in that time.  I’m not going to try to fill you in on everything, but I have had some things on my mind lately. 

It seems that I’ve been in a bit of a funk lately, and I’m really having a hard time pin-pointing exactly what the problem is.  When I think about it, I hear the voice of a mentor I had years ago saying “How’s your quiet time?”.  And Quite frankly, it sucks.  I don’t discipline myself to read The Bible regularly.  When I pray, I feel like it’s more to get things off my mind, and then when (or if) I take time to try to listen, my thoughts seem to get in the way.  Maybe I don’t know how to just be quiet  and listen for God’s voice.  

This morning, I woke up early (actually, at my normal time, but it’s my day off...  so it’s early).  I couldn’t go back to sleep, and my mind started wandering again.  I’ve been struggling lately with knowing where I belong.  We’ve recently left a church that we were very involved in for several years.  For a long time, I questioned whether that was the right thing to do, or not.  But I’ve come to the conclusion that it was, indeed time for us to move on.  I deeply miss the people and the relationships that were built during the years we spent there.  However, I know that there’s somewhere else we’re supposed to serve and grow.  This morning, I was thinking about these things, and asking God for some sort of direction.   I decided I should go for a walk.  My family was all still sleeping, but I needed to move. 

I started my walk with a song in my head.  Now, there’s no relevance to this song, other than the fact that this was occupying my thoughts, so how was I supposed to hear God speaking to me?  I continued on, switching back and forth between singing and speaking to God through my thoughts.  At some point during this time, a thought came to me.  “Don’t cover up your insecurities”.   Now this may sound odd...  but stick with me for a minute.  Most of you know of the surgery that I underwent a couple of years ago that left quite a scar on my scalp.  During my periods of random thoughts this morning, shaving my head for the summer had crossed my mind.  That scar is an insecurity that I have about myself.  But deeper than that, I have far more insecurities that I don’t share openly.  The more I thought about this, the more I began to wonder how much my insecurities are fueling this fire of depression, as it may be.  So here it is.  My attempt to uncover some of these insecurities  and share who I am.

1)    I’ve always sought the approval of other people to validate my skills or abilities.  Recently, I’ve felt a lot of rejection.  This, most likely, is my insecure mind telling me stories, but it’s very good at convincing me.

2)     I love to sing and make music, but I fear that I’m not good enough to be any more than a basement musician.  I definitely let this hold me back from pursuing more. 

3)    Social Awkwardness.  If I don’t know someone well, I have a very difficult time starting or even holding a conversation with them.  I feel that some people are born with this ability, and others of us have to work at it.  I feel a sort of anxiousness when I say something that doesn’t get received as well as I think it should have, or I simply don’t speak much when I’m in a group of people I’m unfamiliar with.

4)    Question motives. Often times, if a decision is made that includes (or excludes) me, I question whether that decision was made because of me. 

5)    Physical appearance. Now this one, I really didn’t ever think would apply to me.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t consider myself a vain person, only average.  But since my surgery, I do get insecure about this.  Any time a little child sees me and smiles, I want to smile back. When I sing, I don’t look normal.  When I get tired, the symmetry in my face fades.  These are all things I notice, and try not to be bothered by, but my insecure mind takes over.

I’m not sharing these things for any other reason than that a thought came into my head that said “Don’t cover up your insecurities”.  I don’t want any of you to feel sorry for me. I’m not looking for sympathy.   But I do feel that I’m not the only person that struggles with these types of thoughts.  If you have, and have found ways to combat them, I’d love to hear from you.   Thanks for reading.

Jake