I Want That

Well, it’s been a few days since I’ve posted anything on here, and I’ve had a lot on my mind.  When I started this blog, I thought it would it would be a good way to get some things off my chest, as well as give people a glimpse of what I’m really about.  In doing that, I’ve noticed some things about myself.  I’m a pretty negative thinking person.  I have a lot of views on how people should live their lives and what kind of example we ought to be as Christians, but I’m not sure how well I live out those views.  

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about my life.  I think about where I am and the relationships I have.  If you’ve read some of my other posts, you have seen how I’ve struggled with relationships.  When I think about it, my wife is really the only person I’m comfortable being totally open with.  Is this normal?  I don’t know.  I firmly believe that your spouse should be your best friend, but I have this desire for more. 

I recently read a post where the author was writing about Christian theology and how we should be consumed by our convictions.  This really got me to thinking about my relationship with Christ in general.  I have always felt convicted about some theological issues (which I didn’t even realize that they were “theological” until reading this blog), but I don’t think that I’ve ever been consumed by them.  I can’t say that I’ve ever been consumed by Christ in any sense.  I have always had faith in God, maybe even taken Him for granted.  I have accepted that He sent His son to pay for my sinful nature, but I don’t feel that I have a consuming relationship with Him.  I WANT THAT!!  I want to understand what He wants from me and to be able to share that with people. 

Maybe this desire that I have to want relationships with people it really a desire to build a true relationship with Christ.  How can I expect anything else without seeking Him first? 

To be me, or not to be me?

I have always been kind of a shy person.  As a kid, I think I was afraid of what other kids would think of me if I showed them what I was really like.  I was never part of the “in” crowd, and I never really wanted to be, but I can remember at least wanting to fit in.  As a teen, I wanted to have friends, but I think I still had this fear of rejection.  It was just easier to be a “loner” and tell myself that I wasn’t a people person anyways.  I think the truth is that I have always wanted to be accepted by people, maybe so much that I try too hard to blend in and never show people the real me. 

Still today, I have a hard time letting people know who I really am.  I still hold back my thoughts and emotions from people until I’m comfortable with them.  Even then, I’m not sure that I get comfortable enough to fully put myself out there and really get personal with anyone.  I think that my insecurity makes people even less able to open up and get to know me on that personal level.  I’m terrible with conversation.  Maybe it’s because I feel that I don’t have a lot in common with most people.  Maybe it’s because I don’t know what to say to people unless we’re talking about something that really triggers me, or unless I have a wise crack (most of the time it’s the latter). I just don’t know how to engage people. 

There is a part of me that just wants to be able to open up and be outgoing and energetic and just plain goofy.  But the majority of the time, my reserved side overpowers my goofy, fun side.  So why does this happen?  I think my fear of being judged by people is a result of my tendency to judge others.  I have always felt that people should have the same standards and morals that I have been raised with.  I’ve always been very quick to point out what people are doing wrong in their lives, instead of encouraging them to continue to succeed where they already are.  I think that I try to do what I know is right, behave the way I’ve been taught is right, and that I’m afraid to let go of that and just be me.  Now, don’t think that I’m saying that I’m perfect... I’m definitely not.  I suppose though, that I have tried to give the appearance that I strive for perfection. 

Do my insecurities show?  This is a part of life that I feel we fail each other as Christians, or maybe even as human beings.  Maybe fail isn’t exactly the work I’m looking for, but sometimes I just wish we could all be totally and completely honest with each other.  Maybe some people are, maybe I’m just not connected with the right people.  I’d like to really know how people see me and get some honest criticism on how they see me living my life. It’s really easy to talk about someone, but how about talking to them.  I’m not talking about gossip, either.  I’m simply saying, if you would tell someone “that guy is a good guy”, why not take the time to tell him that.  Or if you see a brother stumbling, just talk to him.  Maybe these are just dreams of the types of relationships that I’d like to have.  Maybe that’s part of what’s holding me back from knowing people.  I don’t just want to have a casual “How’s it goin’?” relationship.  I want to know people that will take the time to really get to know me and let me into their lives as well.  I want to make a difference in people’s lives.  I feel that I have a lot to offer, I’m just not sure where to start. 

For All the Cows

As I was sitting down to eat my hamburger this evening, I began to think about what a blessing God has given us with the creation of the cow.  Then, I started wondering just what the world would be like without cows.  Just how much does this one animal add to our lifestyles and how much would we suffer without it.

     I don’t think I even have to delve deep into the obvious, which is the fact that the cow is the largest producer of beef and dairy products.  I would challenge anyone to show me what other animal produces more beef than a cow.  From hamburger, to ribs, to steaks, the cow has to be the tastiest food out there.  Then we could get into the milk, cheese, cottage cheese, and the various varieties of other dairy products.  Yum!!  Without these delicious treats offered by the cow, we would have to rely on animals like chickens and goats to supply all of our nutrients and make sure that we are getting our daily meals.  That is quite a large task to ask of such small, inferior animals.  They should all be extremely grateful for their friend, the cow.
     Aside from food, cows produce many of the products we use to protect ourselves today.  Leather coats, shoes, hats, and gloves all come from the hides of cows.  Cow hides also provide for seat covers, bull whips, and upholstery for furniture.  Of course, we can’t forget men’s and women’s accessories such as wallets, purses, murses, and belts. Without leather, we would be stuck with using inferior materials that would not last as long or more costly materials such as alligator or ostrich.  I mean, who likes using cloth belts, they stretch and don’t even keep your pants up!! 
     There are countless other things that would be different without cows in our lives.  Without cows, we wouldn’t have cowboys, or cattle ranchers.  Without these men, and sometimes women, we may not have big trucks driving around with bull horns and cowbells attached to them.  Okay, maybe still the trucks (I’m sure we’d still have rednecks), but we still wouldn’t have the cow bell and horns.  While we’re on the topic of horns, we wouldn’t have college and professional teams using cattle and cowboys and horns to promote their teams.  This would be devastating to hard-core fans, not to have a reason to raise their index and pinky fingers in excitement for their teams.  And cow bells, not only do they serve as an identifier for the cow, but they make an excellent musical instrument.  Rock and country music would never be the same.  Country music may not even be around if it weren’t for cows and cowboys. 
      I could go on and on about the importance of the cow.  Cow, that word would be ridiculous if there was no such thing as a cow.  So would the words “moo”, heifer, bull, Angus, and Hereford, among others that I simply refuse to repeat.  The thing to remember is that the cow, perhaps, is God’s greatest gift to mankind.  We should be thankful to Him every time we eat beef, sit in our favorite leather recliner, root for our favorite team, or see a big diesel truck polluting the air we breathe.  Thank you God, for all the cows.

Your Roots are Showing

        Anyone who has spent any time around me has heard me say that I was raised in a Southern Baptist Church, and that my views are more conservative than most.   The first memory I have of Church is of my mother dropping me off at a kindergarten class for Sunday school.  I remember crying as she left the room.  From then on, the Church was my second home.  I was involved in everything from VBS to Children’s Choir, to musicals, missions’ trips, camps, Bible drills (which I was never very good at).  The majority of my fun memories from my childhood revolve around my involvement in Church.  As I grew older, I remained involved in Youth Choir and dinner theaters, along with multiple other youth related events.  Most of my friendships were with students in the youth group.  My first girlfriend was from my youth group.  I truly looked forward to my time at Church.

        The Church that I grew up in was quite different from many Churches I’ve attended as an adult.  My Church life growing up included services Sunday mornings and evenings, as well as activities on Wednesday evenings.   Sunday morning worship service was a serious deal.   We knew that we were to look our best and be on our best behavior for this service.  We would always sing hymns out of the hymnal accompanied only by a piano and an organ, and usually backed by a choir.  Sunday evenings were a little more casual, but we were still to look presentable and be respectful.  We were expected to act and dress a certain way any time we were in the Church.  No hats, no shorts, no horseplay… After all, the Church is the house of God.  This didn’t mean that we didn’t have fun, but we knew that there was a time and place for it.

        My entire time growing up in the Church, I don’t ever remember being told that God, or Jesus, was my “friend”.  I suppose, if you really get down to the definition if “friend”, there’s nothing wrong with calling Him that.  I personally feel that God deserves more respect from me than calling him my “”friend”.  After all, this is the God that created everything, the God that can give or take anything as He pleases.  Why is it that we will hold our elders, mentors, parents, religious leaders, even the Pope with such high regard, and then teach our children that Jesus is our “friend”?  He is the KING of KINGS!  Now I know that in this country, the concept of a King or Queen may not be understood, but think about it.  A king or queen is the highest authority in the land, respected, perhaps even feared.  Why aren’t we teaching that God is to be respected and feared by all?  Sure, He can be compassionate, giving, loving, and all that sweet stuff that we want to hear.  But we simply don’t show Him that we understand that he can take this all away in the blink of an eye.          

        I wish I could say that I have been successful in teaching this lesson of respect to my son and to others that I am honored to teach.  I wish I could say that I have been as consistent with my Christian example as my parents were for me.  I wish that I would be as consistent as they were at getting the family to Church every Sunday and Wednesday.  So what has changed?   If I can see the difference, and want a change, then why is it so difficult to make the change?  I think that with every generation that goes by, we lose a little more of that sense of respect that God deserves.  Every generation seems to feel the need to find a different way to teach the next about Christ.  The biggest thing I struggle with right now is finding a way to teach students how to respect and fear God without pushing them away from the Church.  Young people, as well as some young adults, don’t like to be told what to do.  They don’t want to sit through a boring lesson.  They don’t like to feel reprimanded or preached at.  I didn’t like it when I was young either, but I think a big difference was that I wasn’t given the choice.  I knew what was expected of me and that’s just how it was.  I knew that I would be expected to be at Church when my family was.  Sure, I could choose whether or not to listen, but the lessons would sink in eventually anyway. 

        I'm not saying that the way we’re attempting to reach people is wrong.  There’s nothing wrong with having fun.  I kind of enjoy the upbeat music, flashy lights, games, and some of the videos and such.  What I am saying is that we need to be teaching our children and youth that there’s a time and place for all of it.  God deserves our utmost best, he deserves our respect.  Not only on Sunday, or on Wednesday, but when we’re posting on facebook or twitter.  On Friday night, when we’re hanging out with friends, or when someone makes us angry.  To be clear, I’m not saying that our young people are being disrespectful.  Many of them show their respect the best way they know how.  I do think that we are doing a poor job at teaching them how we are to respect God.  Maybe we don’t know how to teach them.  There has to be a way to teach that respect without sugarcoating the truth. 

Regret without Regrets

Regret:

Adj. - to feel sorrow or remorse for

Noun- a sense of loss, disappointment, dissatisfaction

        When I was younger, I don't really remember ever dreaming about what my life was going to be like when I grew older.  I may have had some vague idea in my head about it, but it just wasn’t something I thought a lot about.  I have never really set long term goals for myself, or planned anything out in advance for that matter.  I guess that I’ve always lived life a day, week, or maybe a month at a time.  Sure, there are things that I look forward to, like a birthday, a vacation, or an event.  But, once the day has come and gone, it’s just another day.  

        Looking back on some of the decisions that I’ve made, (or haven’t made); I see a lot of potential that I failed to take advantage of.  I sometimes wonder what my life would be like had I been more proactive in my pursuit of life.  Where would I be today had I taken the time to get an education in music, or even if I had just disciplined myself to learn and practice more?  Or, if not in music, if I would have chosen another career path that I could truly enjoy.  I also wonder how my life might be different if I had been more assertive concerning my relationships.  I have always been the kind of guy that sits back, waiting for friendships to find me.  I never pursued friendship.  If someone showed interest in getting to know me, it made me feel good.  But, I didn’t know how to do that for anyone else.  How would my life have been affected if I had that ability at a younger age?  

There are countless thoughts that go through my head, making me wonder “what if”.  Some of these thoughts may be a little too deep for this forum.  What I have to remind myself of, is that the choices that I’ve made and the experiences that I’ve gone through are what has made me who I am today.  The few true friends that I have made are the ones that have helped me the most through those experiences.  I think God has made us who we are for a very specific purpose.  We may change throughout our lifetimes to achieve that purpose, but it’s important to know that He has a plan.  The pains, the joys, the sorrows, the laughs, the hurt, and the excitement… they are all lessons that will help us through life.  They will allow us to share our lives and our experiences with others and help them through theirs. If I make life all about what will make me happiest, then I won’t be happy at all.  When I wonder where I would be, had things been different, I can’t help but to think of where the people that are important to me would be as well.  

When I think of regret, I think of things I wish I had done differently.  Whether it was going to college, dating more in high school, having more children, or refining my musical skills, all of these things would come at a cost.  If I had gone to college or dated more, chances are, I would not have met my wife and son.  If I had decided that having children was more important to me than the health of my wife and my relationship with my son, there’s no telling where that could have left us.  If I had spent the time needed for me to be happy with my music, I may not have been able to provide security for my family.  My life may not be perfect, it may never be perfect.  I can say with certainty that, knowing what I know today, I wouldn’t have done anything differently to change the outcome of my life.  This is the path that I started on, and it is the path that I believe we are supposed to be on together. 

“Don’t Live in Regret, Ese”   Slim (Bubble Boy)

Never Been There

     Okay, so this is the first blog experience I've been through.  I've never read a blog, let alone written one.  I usually keep my thoughts to myself.  Who wants to know what I have to say about anything?  But lately I've begun to realize that people don't know me for that exact reason.  I've always had a difficult time socializing with, and relating to people.  Growing up, I remember trying to find a place where I fit in, but never seemed to find it.  Maybe that's when I decided that what I thought didn't matter.  At least not to anyone other than myself.
      I have always been quite opinionated about life and the way that it ought to be lived.  Some may call it judgmental even.  I can't say that they would be wrong.  I've felt that there have always been rules that I have been expected to live by, and that I have expected myself to live by.  I suppose I try to hold others to those same expectations, and end up being disappointed in the results.  It's nothing new to me.  I can't say that I've had some revelation about this area of my life, and that God has transposed my thought processes when it comes to judgement.  I can say, however, that He has made me more aware of this recently.  My problem now is that I'm not exactly sure what to do about it.  I am frequently reminded of Matthew 7:5, about concentrating on my plank vs. my brothers speck.  But does that mean I completely ignore his wrongdoings until I become perfect?  Who am I to attempt to teach or guide anyone when there are plenty of areas in my life that need serious attention? 
     I had a friend when I was in high school that loved chicken. He would eat chicken every day for months.  He would randomly shout out "chicken" for no reason at all.
     So here it is.  This might be my attempt to let people know what goes on in this head of mine.  I'm not sure who will read this, but maybe you can get to know me a little better.  I'm going to try to be real.  But I'm not really sure how this will turn out.  I've never been there.