To be me, or not to be me?

I have always been kind of a shy person.  As a kid, I think I was afraid of what other kids would think of me if I showed them what I was really like.  I was never part of the “in” crowd, and I never really wanted to be, but I can remember at least wanting to fit in.  As a teen, I wanted to have friends, but I think I still had this fear of rejection.  It was just easier to be a “loner” and tell myself that I wasn’t a people person anyways.  I think the truth is that I have always wanted to be accepted by people, maybe so much that I try too hard to blend in and never show people the real me. 

Still today, I have a hard time letting people know who I really am.  I still hold back my thoughts and emotions from people until I’m comfortable with them.  Even then, I’m not sure that I get comfortable enough to fully put myself out there and really get personal with anyone.  I think that my insecurity makes people even less able to open up and get to know me on that personal level.  I’m terrible with conversation.  Maybe it’s because I feel that I don’t have a lot in common with most people.  Maybe it’s because I don’t know what to say to people unless we’re talking about something that really triggers me, or unless I have a wise crack (most of the time it’s the latter). I just don’t know how to engage people. 

There is a part of me that just wants to be able to open up and be outgoing and energetic and just plain goofy.  But the majority of the time, my reserved side overpowers my goofy, fun side.  So why does this happen?  I think my fear of being judged by people is a result of my tendency to judge others.  I have always felt that people should have the same standards and morals that I have been raised with.  I’ve always been very quick to point out what people are doing wrong in their lives, instead of encouraging them to continue to succeed where they already are.  I think that I try to do what I know is right, behave the way I’ve been taught is right, and that I’m afraid to let go of that and just be me.  Now, don’t think that I’m saying that I’m perfect... I’m definitely not.  I suppose though, that I have tried to give the appearance that I strive for perfection. 

Do my insecurities show?  This is a part of life that I feel we fail each other as Christians, or maybe even as human beings.  Maybe fail isn’t exactly the work I’m looking for, but sometimes I just wish we could all be totally and completely honest with each other.  Maybe some people are, maybe I’m just not connected with the right people.  I’d like to really know how people see me and get some honest criticism on how they see me living my life. It’s really easy to talk about someone, but how about talking to them.  I’m not talking about gossip, either.  I’m simply saying, if you would tell someone “that guy is a good guy”, why not take the time to tell him that.  Or if you see a brother stumbling, just talk to him.  Maybe these are just dreams of the types of relationships that I’d like to have.  Maybe that’s part of what’s holding me back from knowing people.  I don’t just want to have a casual “How’s it goin’?” relationship.  I want to know people that will take the time to really get to know me and let me into their lives as well.  I want to make a difference in people’s lives.  I feel that I have a lot to offer, I’m just not sure where to start.